Can you hear it? On the wind...change is a'comin'

I hate change. There, I said it. Such a strong word! you might say...the word hate. Fair enough, then. Let me clarify what I mean.

I do not hate all change. Loose change is nice to discover in your pocket. I will also allow that it is necessary to change clothes regularly to avoid strange looks and rude odors.  When I was younger, I regularly rearranged the furniture in my bedroom (bed, desk, dressers, etc.) to provide a fresh perspective and sleeping experience. I like these changes...because they are small changes, manageable, controllable, even desirable.

 The types of changes I strongly dislike...or at worst, hate (yes! I said it again!) are the earth-shaking, mind-boggling implosions of a life structure.  Some people might say..."well, that's not so bad is it?. Why not release the caged bird to sing freely?" (apologies for maligning Maya Angelou's poem).

You are right, I would reply! Let the bird fly freely and sing to its heart's delight. Let it soar and sing and stretch its wings. Then, when it tires of flying, let us see where it shelters. Will it adapt to sitting on a branch between flights? What will it do when the wind whistles and blows and shakes that branch as a dog would a chew toy? Will the shelter (branch) stand or shatter? How about when the bird finds a mate and desires to build a nest? How will these lovebirds find their desired spot upon (or within) which to build their nest? How will they protect their nest (and growing fledgelings) against the world, full of predators and dangers?

Just over eight years ago, I reflected on the "facade of life", as I called it, the 'cage' of relationships, negotiations, lies, stories, that held Hollywood together in the movie L.A. Confidential. Honestly, it equally holds all of human civilization in a delicate equilibrium (most of the time). I raged on about how susceptible that 'facade' is to corruption and misdirection, resulting in harm and misfortune for those locked within its golden bars. If you read closely though, you would notice that I did not protest explictly protest the cage itself...only its flaws and scuff marks. Rather, I was fascinated by the cage...and more desired to find someone to share my explorations and life as I analyzed that facade/cage and explored its nooks and crannies.

A lot has changed since that post. I have lived in two other states, fell in love, got married, went to graduate school, and became established in my first long-term professional job. Since 2011 and then 2012, I have enjoyed flying within my cage (facade) of marriage and then my job, exploring the intricacies, grooves, roots, and canopy of my space. I have relished the stability of this life, resting in its gentle embrace, leaning on its strength as I test its limits and repair the weak spots. I have swooped down into its valleys and soared up to alight upon its pillars, this time with a companion.

But now, I hear it. Like the drumbeats of ancient warriors preparing for battle, I hear gentle footsteps approaching, announcing the impending arrival of change. For the One who approaches holds the key that unlocks the door to this cage. Whether I like it or not, I know it is coming. Soon, the key will be inserted and twisted...unlocking the mechanism that holds the door securely in place.

When the door swings back and the gap appears, will this bird (and his lovebird) fly free? Will they sing their songs, test the branches, and build their nests? God only knows. Maybe that's the missing piece here...perhaps the birds know more about faith that humans do. Just as Celine Dion sang "Don't Give Up on Your faith...love comes to those who believe it...and that's the way it is", so perhaps does the joys, strength, and sustenance those birds need to fly, sing, nurture, and nest, despite the scary stuff that awaits outside the safety of those golden bars. I pray that is the case...because I can hear it...change is a comin'. Guess I'd better get prepared for it. 

How Do You Define Higher Education?

Recently a concerned citizen wrote in to the Missoulian expressing
dismay that students are allowed to get college credit for such things
as going to the presidential inauguration (Political Science students)
or learning how to play poker. I felt moved to respond and got my own
letter published.

Original Letter:
http://missoulian.com/letters/fri/courses-don-t-qualify-as-higher-education/article_1081284c-b185-5ace-bef7-f8681dd4b69e.html

My Response:
http://missoulian.com/letters/thu/nontraditional-courses-have-value-too/article_dc65c4f1-6ddb-5bf4-9330-e0bd8584806f.html

Let me know what you think - I am open to all opinions.

The Mental Cartographer

A Letter to My Dear Bicycle Thief

Dear Bicycle Thief,

I want to thank you for helping me feel like a complete moron!

Last week you slashed my rear tire, stole the red blinking light and two plastic tire levers from my under-the-seat bicycle bag, and left the red felt "tongue" hanging out of the bag to greet me as I walked to my bike, which was at the Urey Lecture Hall.

That was humiliating enough as I had been warned by my family not to leave stuff on my bike, but I figured I had earned my lesson and moved on.

Then today (Tuesday) I came out of the Liberal Arts building to find that you had take the (now empty) under-the-seat bicycle bag in addition to my front headlight, although you left my tires alone this time and apparently ignored my bicycle pump for a second time. Maybe you were leaving that for a third attempt! Too bad, I've removed that from my frame and it shall never touch my bicycle again.

So now after receiving some sympathy from my family and regretful sympathy (but no options) from Public Safety you have successfully completed your goal (if such was the case) of making me feel like a moron!

Now I must reduce the level of respect I have for the fellow users of the University of Montana-Missoula campus as well as the trust I had that what was on my bike in the morning would be there in the afternoon!

I hope you are happy in your work, dear bicycle thief - you've done a good job!

Now I will again try and move on to other things - like purchasing replacement parts - and re-evaluate my travel plans and methods for ensuring the security of my personal possessions.

Moronically yours,

Andrew

The Pillar: A Poem

I wrote this poem late one night a couple of years ago during my last semester at UM's College of Technology. Ironically enough, it was during the spring time, in mid April. Yet again, then as now, I am in a period of questioning and doubt, whether because it's the season of Lent, or because I'm close to finishing another degree....but I felt the moment was write to show this poem to the world.

Enjoy....

The Mental Cartographer

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The Pillar

Here I stand on this pillar,

Made of stone, granite, and sweat.

The sweat of my labors, in education, life, and the sweat of those who have helped me.

My friends, mentors, relatives, classmates, professors, they have all helped make this pillar strong and true, but it is lonely up here.

This pillar has lifted me high above the plains, where I was born, and into rocky mountains of wisdom, knowledge, and a new view of the world around me.

However beautiful the view is from up here, it would be more spectacular if someone were here to share it with me.

Someone to discuss the view, and the meaning it has for me, and to hold me close against the cold wind and weather, though the sun shines brightly.

I will stand patiently, waiting for the pillar to take me to a new place, and for someone to find a path to the empty space beside me.

Oh the Nerves! This will be an interesting semester.

Ok....I admit it - I'm nervous about this semester.

This is beginning to feel like the final semester (Spring 2006) of my two-year degree that I finished two years ago - when I was taking 19 credits and doing an internship and lab monitor/ta position at the same time.

The difference is that in 2006 I wasn't writing a senior thesis proposal and I wasn't exploring new concepts that I was very illiterate in - like archaeology, geology, geomorphology, or the formal research process. I also wasn't having to take the Upper Division Writing Proficiency Exam, which assesses my ability to write an argument at a college level in response to an college-level article in a time-span of two hours.

I am also nervous about how I'm going to conduct research at Olduvai Gorge in Africa, having only done these sort of projects in Montana locations and as part of a guided project or class experience. I want to find a mentor who could help me not feel like a total ignoramus about what I'm doing down there.

Anyway.....I hope these feelings are replaced or at least moderated by learning more about the process as the semester progresses....and that I can reduce the level of uncertainty a little bit more.

Wish me luck as I map and chart my course across this landscape of unknown waters...

The Mental Cartographer

A Case of the Blahs at an inconvenient time!

I had hoped to use the time during my winter break (ideally before Wintersession started) to read, summarize, and research all the literature necessary to putting together a draft senior thesis proposal that I could present to my advisor at the beginning of Spring Semester. Yet here it is, the last week of this so-called break, and I've barely picked up a book that I've checked out from the library (due on the 31st), much less read the PDF's of journal articles that I downloaded over Thanksgiving break......so what gives?

I think part of it comes from a case of the 'blahs'....a condition or state of mind that I enter at the end of every break from school that's longer than a week. During this time...all I want to do is...well....nothing related to being productive, just surfing the net, especially Facebook and Golden Key inCircle, and reading books that I would normally put off during the semester, as well as hanging out with friends, walking the dog, and watching movies.

Another part of it is that I've been thinking long and hard about graduate school, even though I'm a junior and still have about a year left to go and several major classes/projects/hoops to leap through first, like the dreaded WPA! It's a really difficult process (I've discovered) identifying what areas in Geography I'd like to focus my studies in, and then finding schools and professors that match those interests along with other considerations. Of course, this is typically me - looking far ahead into the future, even though there are plenty of things (like that proposal!) that ought to be occupying me in the present.

Finally, I guess I have to admit that putting together a thesis proposal is very brain- and time-intensive...and that maybe I'm putting too much of a time pressure on myself, and need to extend my internal deadline to the beginning of Spring Semester and not the end of this weekend!

In any case, as is obvious from this post, I really don't like being stuck with this case of the "blahs".....but am having a hard time booting it off me (or me away from it) and getting movin' and groovin'. Hopefully I will be able to do so, now that school is about to resume next week.

Hopefully I will post an update in a reasonable timeframe....although give the time between this and the last post....that may be wishful thinking. Ah well....maybe if I get some feedback it will motivate me to post more often.

Musings on L.A. Confidential, and the Facade of Life

I just saw L.A. Confidential, a movie about sizzle, celebrity, crime, and the law in Los Angeles during the 1960's. Starring Guy Pierce (Det .Lt. Edmund Jennings 'Ed' Exley), Russell Crowe (Officer Wendell 'Bud' White), and Kevin Spacey (Det. Sgt. Jack Vincennes), in addition to Kim Basinger (Lynn Bracken), the prostitue whom two of the men love, and who guides them to the truth of a massive scandal in the LAPD, the movie has incredible twists and turns that made my heart pound and twist at various times, and left me teary and dry-eyed alert at others.

However, this is not a movie review.....but a reflection....on the facade of L.A. (as intended by the author of the book, and the director of the movie), and (for me), the facade of life. As the movie intends, the movie watcher is exposed to the reality behind the glitz and the glamor of Hollywood. They realize that it's very hard to fight clean when the bad guys play dirty, so dirty that some of the good guys are slightly smudged, if not filthy with their own mis-deeds.

It pains me to see how law officers, like Exley and White, join the force in order to fight for justice, but have to bend their morals, and (at times) fight each other like dogs despite their pursuit of a common goal, in order to achieve that goal. It pains me that each of them sees what
is going on, has their finger on the pulse of the plot, and yet the only person they can turn to is somewhat outside their organization, which has corrupted to the point that it will kill its own, to maintain the status quo and perpetuate the crime. Finally however, what pains me the most, is that this facade, is a fact of life, real life, and that it is necessary to keep society running.

This facade....is called by many names - culture, charades, relationships, "good-old-boy" system, politics, "office games/politics", democracy, Hollywood, show-biz, and others. It's the system of favors, back-stabbing, secrets, miracles, and love that enable human beings to live together, in harmony (most of the time).

Exley and White were the hallmark characters of the movie for me, because I identified with pains that both of them felt, their frustration at seeing it all......and feeling absolutely helpless to do anything about it...doubting themselves tremendously......and yet, they found somebody to give them the push...give them a swift kick in the pants, and who believed in their ability and intelligence to find the truth, and do the right thing.

Most people are oblivious to this system running and going on behind the scenes of their lives.....or if they are aware of it, they don't seem to want to talk about it. It seems like they are born into it, and are happily willing to play the system...unaware of how it affects them and those that they love.

There are others, however, who, for whatever reason, are not so blessed. They can see all the wheels and gears cranking away through people's lives, sometimes for the good, and other times, for the worse. Some call them geniuses, some call them nerds. Sometimes they are just ordinary people who write musings of poetry, or novels.

Like it or not, genius or idiot, boastful or self-deprecatory, I believe I'm one of those people. I can see the impact of this facade on people - it greases the wheels of social relationships and advancements for some, while grinding over the hopes of others. Don't get me wrong, I'm aware that I play this game too, but most of the time, I'm all too aware of how it affects me, and those that I love, respect, cherish, and know. And like the two characters I've been harping on throughout this blog entry, this awareness and knowledge has been both a blessing and a curse.

Many people say I'm a genius, a whiz-popping, computer-savvy, geo-mapping-cartographic geek who has his entire life planned to the "nth" degree, is heading to a high-powered career full of riches, fame, and glory, (or just a nice teaching career). To a large extent this is true - my GPA and resume speak for themselves, with lots of words like "high honors, consultant, 4.0" and etc. In the last two weeks, I've received two invitations to join honors societies, both of whom are highly respected. There is also no denying that I love helping other people solve their computer problems, and most of the time, I do. Much as I love to downplay my own achievements, the above claims tend to withstand the "grain of salt" test.

However, under this facade of confidence and success, lies a boy/man who is vulnerable, frustrated, and afraid. While my career, professional life, and academic program seem quite stable and successful, they are like the walls and roof of a house built on a foundation of cement and quicksand. The cement is my family, immediate, and extended, as well as all the friends, mentors, and guardians who have made me who I am today. Sadly, I am the quicksand, or linchpin, you might say, and my own worst critic. Like White, I instinctively know of my intelligence and potential, but often doubt my own abilities and lack the tenacity or persistence to believe in my own dreams or hunchs. Like Exley, I had a rock-solid set of rule-based knowledge and ethics that rule my life and give me a brilliant system or system for systematically solving problems and puzzles that I find........but at times, perhaps block me from achieving things which require moral flexibility or out-of-the-box thinking?

I have moaned and groaned to my friends and family numerous times about my need or desire to find a girlfriend. At other times, I've thought to myself, why would I want that? A girlfriend would be a distraction from my "academic success", and lower my "perfect grades", and perhaps force me to "relax a little" - which everybody has told me I need to do. But how am I to follow such advise, when I'm so worried about having the financial means to pay for an apartment or house, maybe graduate school, or a home for a family someday?? How can I, when I'm so worried about getting all the right credentials, experience, and knowledge to pursue the career of my dreams, instead of settling for less? And most importantly......how can I pursue this goal, when I frequently doubt my ability to have what it takes to offer my most vulnerable self to someone else, and and accept their gift of love, strength, and belief in myself as a human being, as well as believing that I can succeed in in my dreams?

This doubt, despite my high-powered GPA, academic career, social skills and numerous reading of self-helping dating books and classes on communication and networking, and despite my ability to see how other around me find and connect with their special ones. I see how people flirt, ask each other out, hold hands, kiss, talk, date, support, and otherwise connect with each other. this pattern of observation of human group behavior has even lead me to consider a graduate degree in sociology, because of how fascinating it is to see how it all works. Despite, all that, I just don't know what to do with that.

People think that I have no problems talking with girls, and to see me in my service lab during Ursa Major, where I am the only guy in there, you would be right. I have mastered certain conversational abilities and skills, and can talk quite comfortably with girls, within certain contexts and situations. I can even do remarkably well in speed-dating...as it is such a scriptable event. (The fact that other guys didn't follow that 'script' and seemed to be making more headway than I makes me wonder if I completely missed the point altogether).

Take me out of academia, work, and home. Plunk me down in a bar, or a park, or
some other completely informal setting, where I don't know anybody and see how well I do. I probably will do well, picking up on my skills that I have learned. But I will be the most nervous son-of-a-gun you ever did see, and I likely will be doubting myself the entire time. Sometimes I have even taken the stance that I should be "looking" for somebody - that by looking, I'll check the wrong places when someone is standing right in front of my eyes and I'm busy looking somewhere else.

I suppose in a way, I am crying out in this post for someone to believe in my dream, and to believe in me as a guy who has what it takes to find a special girl. I've got that high-powered career, education, and other stuff. I've got tons of people, family and friends both, who believe and who have kicked me along the way to where I am today, and I'm grateful for that. However, I want someone who I can hold close and believe in, and who will believe in me, like Lyn was for White. Like Exley, I also want somebody who believes in the stuff beneath my skin, and and can push me beyond my barriers to what I really want, as Lyn did for him. God and Angels definitely have their place in my life, but I also want a flesh-and-blood human who I can touch, feel, sense, and connect with, and perhaps make a life together with, or just have fun enjoying and exploring the fascinating facade of life.