Musings on L.A. Confidential, and the Facade of Life

I just saw L.A. Confidential, a movie about sizzle, celebrity, crime, and the law in Los Angeles during the 1960's. Starring Guy Pierce (Det .Lt. Edmund Jennings 'Ed' Exley), Russell Crowe (Officer Wendell 'Bud' White), and Kevin Spacey (Det. Sgt. Jack Vincennes), in addition to Kim Basinger (Lynn Bracken), the prostitue whom two of the men love, and who guides them to the truth of a massive scandal in the LAPD, the movie has incredible twists and turns that made my heart pound and twist at various times, and left me teary and dry-eyed alert at others.

However, this is not a movie review.....but a reflection....on the facade of L.A. (as intended by the author of the book, and the director of the movie), and (for me), the facade of life. As the movie intends, the movie watcher is exposed to the reality behind the glitz and the glamor of Hollywood. They realize that it's very hard to fight clean when the bad guys play dirty, so dirty that some of the good guys are slightly smudged, if not filthy with their own mis-deeds.

It pains me to see how law officers, like Exley and White, join the force in order to fight for justice, but have to bend their morals, and (at times) fight each other like dogs despite their pursuit of a common goal, in order to achieve that goal. It pains me that each of them sees what
is going on, has their finger on the pulse of the plot, and yet the only person they can turn to is somewhat outside their organization, which has corrupted to the point that it will kill its own, to maintain the status quo and perpetuate the crime. Finally however, what pains me the most, is that this facade, is a fact of life, real life, and that it is necessary to keep society running.

This facade....is called by many names - culture, charades, relationships, "good-old-boy" system, politics, "office games/politics", democracy, Hollywood, show-biz, and others. It's the system of favors, back-stabbing, secrets, miracles, and love that enable human beings to live together, in harmony (most of the time).

Exley and White were the hallmark characters of the movie for me, because I identified with pains that both of them felt, their frustration at seeing it all......and feeling absolutely helpless to do anything about it...doubting themselves tremendously......and yet, they found somebody to give them the push...give them a swift kick in the pants, and who believed in their ability and intelligence to find the truth, and do the right thing.

Most people are oblivious to this system running and going on behind the scenes of their lives.....or if they are aware of it, they don't seem to want to talk about it. It seems like they are born into it, and are happily willing to play the system...unaware of how it affects them and those that they love.

There are others, however, who, for whatever reason, are not so blessed. They can see all the wheels and gears cranking away through people's lives, sometimes for the good, and other times, for the worse. Some call them geniuses, some call them nerds. Sometimes they are just ordinary people who write musings of poetry, or novels.

Like it or not, genius or idiot, boastful or self-deprecatory, I believe I'm one of those people. I can see the impact of this facade on people - it greases the wheels of social relationships and advancements for some, while grinding over the hopes of others. Don't get me wrong, I'm aware that I play this game too, but most of the time, I'm all too aware of how it affects me, and those that I love, respect, cherish, and know. And like the two characters I've been harping on throughout this blog entry, this awareness and knowledge has been both a blessing and a curse.

Many people say I'm a genius, a whiz-popping, computer-savvy, geo-mapping-cartographic geek who has his entire life planned to the "nth" degree, is heading to a high-powered career full of riches, fame, and glory, (or just a nice teaching career). To a large extent this is true - my GPA and resume speak for themselves, with lots of words like "high honors, consultant, 4.0" and etc. In the last two weeks, I've received two invitations to join honors societies, both of whom are highly respected. There is also no denying that I love helping other people solve their computer problems, and most of the time, I do. Much as I love to downplay my own achievements, the above claims tend to withstand the "grain of salt" test.

However, under this facade of confidence and success, lies a boy/man who is vulnerable, frustrated, and afraid. While my career, professional life, and academic program seem quite stable and successful, they are like the walls and roof of a house built on a foundation of cement and quicksand. The cement is my family, immediate, and extended, as well as all the friends, mentors, and guardians who have made me who I am today. Sadly, I am the quicksand, or linchpin, you might say, and my own worst critic. Like White, I instinctively know of my intelligence and potential, but often doubt my own abilities and lack the tenacity or persistence to believe in my own dreams or hunchs. Like Exley, I had a rock-solid set of rule-based knowledge and ethics that rule my life and give me a brilliant system or system for systematically solving problems and puzzles that I find........but at times, perhaps block me from achieving things which require moral flexibility or out-of-the-box thinking?

I have moaned and groaned to my friends and family numerous times about my need or desire to find a girlfriend. At other times, I've thought to myself, why would I want that? A girlfriend would be a distraction from my "academic success", and lower my "perfect grades", and perhaps force me to "relax a little" - which everybody has told me I need to do. But how am I to follow such advise, when I'm so worried about having the financial means to pay for an apartment or house, maybe graduate school, or a home for a family someday?? How can I, when I'm so worried about getting all the right credentials, experience, and knowledge to pursue the career of my dreams, instead of settling for less? And most importantly......how can I pursue this goal, when I frequently doubt my ability to have what it takes to offer my most vulnerable self to someone else, and and accept their gift of love, strength, and belief in myself as a human being, as well as believing that I can succeed in in my dreams?

This doubt, despite my high-powered GPA, academic career, social skills and numerous reading of self-helping dating books and classes on communication and networking, and despite my ability to see how other around me find and connect with their special ones. I see how people flirt, ask each other out, hold hands, kiss, talk, date, support, and otherwise connect with each other. this pattern of observation of human group behavior has even lead me to consider a graduate degree in sociology, because of how fascinating it is to see how it all works. Despite, all that, I just don't know what to do with that.

People think that I have no problems talking with girls, and to see me in my service lab during Ursa Major, where I am the only guy in there, you would be right. I have mastered certain conversational abilities and skills, and can talk quite comfortably with girls, within certain contexts and situations. I can even do remarkably well in speed-dating...as it is such a scriptable event. (The fact that other guys didn't follow that 'script' and seemed to be making more headway than I makes me wonder if I completely missed the point altogether).

Take me out of academia, work, and home. Plunk me down in a bar, or a park, or
some other completely informal setting, where I don't know anybody and see how well I do. I probably will do well, picking up on my skills that I have learned. But I will be the most nervous son-of-a-gun you ever did see, and I likely will be doubting myself the entire time. Sometimes I have even taken the stance that I should be "looking" for somebody - that by looking, I'll check the wrong places when someone is standing right in front of my eyes and I'm busy looking somewhere else.

I suppose in a way, I am crying out in this post for someone to believe in my dream, and to believe in me as a guy who has what it takes to find a special girl. I've got that high-powered career, education, and other stuff. I've got tons of people, family and friends both, who believe and who have kicked me along the way to where I am today, and I'm grateful for that. However, I want someone who I can hold close and believe in, and who will believe in me, like Lyn was for White. Like Exley, I also want somebody who believes in the stuff beneath my skin, and and can push me beyond my barriers to what I really want, as Lyn did for him. God and Angels definitely have their place in my life, but I also want a flesh-and-blood human who I can touch, feel, sense, and connect with, and perhaps make a life together with, or just have fun enjoying and exploring the fascinating facade of life.